It’s World Cup time again and you know what that means? Yes, you guessed it, Americans will pretend to care about soccer for a little while.
Soccer is the world’s favorite sport, yet it hasn’t really taken hold in the United States. But that doesn’t stop Americans from pretending that they care about it every time some major soccer event comes along.
Keep an eye out on your social network feeds for people talking about how they enjoy “real football.” It’s important to read the words “real football” with a sneering condescension, because people who pretend to like soccer love to pretend American football is somehow inferior.
I don’t like football, but I like soccer less. Americans love football, but soccer, not so much. This gives soccer a sort of outsider appeal to people who don’t like any sports. You can go somewhere and start talking about soccer and people will take your word for it. “Yeah, yeah. That was a goal, I guess.” Sometimes you just want to be a sports expert, like at a bar or something, and if no one else knows or cares what you’re talking about, they won’t question you.
A lot of people in love with Europe and its sensibilities also love soccer, because they think Europeans are onto something we uncouth Americans are just to stupid to understand. When I see someone wearing a silly little scarf with the name of a soccer team on it, talking about red cards or cleats or whatever stupid soccer term is relevant, it’s like an “I don’t want to hang out with you” indicator, like how a neck tattoo is a “this person has weed on them right now” indicator.
Soccer is certainly more popular now than it was ten years ago, but I question how enthusiastic people in America are toward the sport itself. It seems to me that people only pretend to like soccer because they dislike all the other sports. Soccer is a sport played by communists and underfed citizens of totalitarian states. When you support soccer, you turn your back on freedom.
I’m not saying people should like football or baseball more than they already do. Football is insanely popular, and it’s really dumb. What I am saying is Americans need to stop pretending to enjoy the world’s most popular, dumb sport for babies and just be true to themselves and admit that they don’t like sports at all. By proclaiming yourself a fan of soccer, you’re already all but admitting you don’t like sports, so take the next step and just drop the whole facade.